20 letters of pain
by Stubbi the Humble Chimneysweep
Summary: 20 letters Sasuke and Itachi have sent to each other.
1. Letters 1 and 2

**20 Letters of Pain**

**This program brought to you by IncestiveNekoYaoiBoys**

**Hello, all. I officially declare ... that this .. is ... A REWRITE! From _me_, of all people!**

** I got a new username, and got some new inspiration. To you n00bs, I am IncestiveNekoYaoiBoys, formerly known as Kady-sensei, formely known as uchihachik. I don't own Naruto, but I do own the ideas included in this story, so STEP AWAY FROM THE IDEAS, BIATCHE! Hehe, it's been awhile since I've written this one, so I gotta get in an aggressive mood for it. :P ON WITH THE FIIIIIIIIC!**

Sasuke yawned, lazily crawling from his bed, rubbing his eyes randomly. He gave his rear a few good, satisfying scratches, then wandered out to his door, ignoring the fact that he was still in his Powerpuff Girls boxers; he wasn't displaying anything the fangirls hadn't seen anyways. He bent down, not ashamed by the scandalous view of his ass he was showing to any and all who cared to look; it was a Sunday morning, and he'd just woken up. You can't act Godly 24/7, you know.

Once he had retrieved the various envelopes and flyers, he stepped out onto his front step, ready to send any bills hurtling down onto the heads of busy village workers, causing them to spill coffee all over themselves. Yes, Sasuke, being the ignorant bastard he was, had this fabulous habit of throwing all his bills off his balcony thingy, probably nailing an innocent passer-by, and killing him. God, how he sometimes loved his mediocre life.

"Bill ... bill ... bill ..." He began, as he proceeded with the sacred ritual of dropping his bills from the balcony. There was a painful yell, and Sasuke, being the godamn masochist he is, smiled a little, and continued hurling bills down upon the poor, poor person. He paused. "... 'Avenger' magazine sample ... gotta keep that one ... bill ... bill ..." He again paused his actions of tossing away the bothersome bills, where he spotted something he had wanted to see in his mail for a VERY VERY VERY LONG TIME! "Ooh, perfume sample. Smells perdy." He threw down three more bills, absent-mindedly tossing them off the edge of his balcony thingy. "Bill ... bill ... letter from Itachi ... bill ... what?!" He dived off the step, hoping to initiate some of those madd ninja skillz he apparently possesses, but came up with nothing. Instead, he flailed his arms for the letter, eventually snatching it from the air. "A letter from Itachi? Why would he write me?" Sasuke asked, completely disregarding the fact the he's currently FALLING TOWARDS EARTH AT GOD KNOWS HOW FAST, still confuzzled by the fact that Itachi had written a letter to him.

Luckily for him, Spider-Man was on his way to a kinky hotel room, with Mary Jane in his arms, swinging through the streets, when he spotted ... DUN DUN DUN! SASUKE, FALLING FROM HIS APARTMENT! Now, Spider-Man was really horny, so he actually wound up ignoring Sasuke's certain death.

Sasuke, being as stupid as he is, didn't know what the hell had happened when SUDDENLY! a ginormous, inevitable Christmas tree with equally ginormous breasts appeared, and Sasuke landed in it's breasts, getting sucked into it's cleavage. Sasuke isn't quite into girls yet ... yeah, yet ... CoughGAY!Cough Ahem, anyways, Sasuke wasn't quite into girls ... yet, and all, so he screamed like a prepubescent girl, clawing his way out of the imposingly squishy boobs, and flailing his arms as he raced back to his apartment. (A/n: ... Wow, what a random streak THAT was!)

He dashed back into his apartment and ripped open his letter, as he sat down. Sasuke read it.

_Sasuke,_

_Yes, I know, it's me. I really shouln't be sending you this letter ... I'm so bored out here. I can't write to the Kyuubi brat because I don't know what to say to him. I also think a letter wouldn't cause him as much pain as I'd like to cause him. I considered writing a letter to Kakashi. He and I used to be freinds. But I think he still hates me for putting him into that coma for a week ... then I considered writing to your pink-haired lady-freind. I decided not to because she probably won't have a clue who I am._

_Anyways, uhh ... what's up? Okay, stupid question. You know this letter's gonna suck because you know I never was, and still aren't exactly ... comfortable around people. I'm not a people person. In fact, when people see me, they usually scream and run away. That just proves how freindly I am._

_So, umm ... Hi. I can't believe it's been 5 years since I talked to you. I also can't believe I was able to purchase a calendar every year so as to keep track of time. I'm supposed to be on the run, but I still buy calendars every year._

_I believe you've met my partner, Kisame. He's that bue-skinned shark man. The really ugly one, yeah, that one. He is so annoying that I belted him across the head yesterday when we passed an un-amusing park made for preschoolers that he said he wanted to check out. He has got the brain capacity of a six-year-old, save his age. Also, being a shark, if we go into a store, he has to eat all the seafood. Just the other day, he ate all the fish in their tank and the manager came over and asked me if he was my son. How perspective do you have to be? A blue-skinned, shark-man, seven-feet-tall, and obviously older than I, I anwered it in a smartass way. "Yes. Yes he is."_

_Kisame, being as intelligent as he always was, just said, "But Daddy, I couldn't help it. They just looked so tasty."_

_What a jackass. Oh, he's coming back in now, and ... Oh, no ... he's got ... pixie stix ... now he's going to be unimaginably hyper. God, no._

_Bye,_

_Itachi_

"Has Itachi gone crazy?" He asked allowed to no-one in particular, other than his imaginative homedawg Norman. "Since when did he suddenly get the urge to write me? He killed the clan, and 5 years later he writes me a letter 'cause he's bored? I always knew he was crazy but ... this is a little farther than I expected ..." But, alas, _he_ is the one with the irrational fear of breasts, the imaginary friend named Norman, and love for only one being; a male goldfish named Portia who died sixteen years ago.

Sasuke decided to obey his brother and mail him back. Not because he was giving his brother a break, but because he was still afraid of him. He knew what Itachi could do to a person if he wanted to ...

He sat at his laptop with a blank word document on screen. He may have been afraid of Itachi, but his dream before the massacre was to be like Itachi, so now, he would do _better_ than Itachi, by typing his letter. Itachi had his letter messily written, but Sasuke's letter was neat and tidy. Oh, snap.

---

Itachi stretched his back, sighing when there came a satisfying crack. He scratched his head, attempting to remove the massive bed head tangles that had accumulated overnight.

"ITACHI-SAN! YOU HAVES A LETTTTTER!" (A/n: IT REMINDS ME OF THE POSTMAN IN TWILIGHT PRINCESS!Oo **Z O M G !**) Itachi cringed when he heard Kisame's classic 'schoolgirl voice' ringing throughout their domain. He hurried to the front door, hoping to all existing gods that Kisame would call him again.

"ITACHI-SAN!" Kisame squealed when Itachi came into view. He scurried towards the Sharingan master, thrusting the small white envelope towards him.

Itachi gave Kisame a cynical look, carefully tearing open the envelope, not being careful about ripping the letter, but much more concerned with not breaking any of his perfectly manicured nails. There was no return address, only _ITACHI_ written in big, violent, vengeful letters on the front.

_Itachi,_

_Why on earth did you write to me? Why would you even consider writing to Naruto, Kakashi-sensei, or Sakura?! Okay, Naruto hates you for trying to ubduct him, he even came up to me one day and said you tried to pedophile him! Kakashi-sensei still does hate you for putting him in a coma and betraying Konoha. He also hates you for making me as low on humour and emotionless as I am today. Sakura, like you said, has no idea who you are. Sakura would actually probably like you. One time, she asked me what you looked like, and how you acted. I replied that I didn't want to talk about it. End of story. Then Sakura remained in her pointlessly hopeless La La Land of me romance and continued her endless attempts to flirt with me. She's got this psycotic crush on me and is always competing with other girls for my affection, but I always shoot her (and them) down. She should spend less time trying to impress me and more time practicing her ninjutsu. She's really weak, and whenever we go on a mission, she just stands there and let's Naruto and I do all the work. Not that I don't mind a challenge._

_I've kind of been wondering something, Itachi. Since I last saw you, is your hair the same length or is it shorter or longer? Just wondering._

_Kisame sounds retarded. Almost as retarded as Naruto. And that's saying something. I keep expecting Naruto to show up and say, "Well, they finally figured out that I have ADHD." And I would believe it, too. Although, I would rather him have cancer or some other deadly disease. Or AIDS so I could make fun of him._

_I still don't get the point of this letter so I'm just gonna guess that you've got a lotta time on your hands._

_Gotta go, Kakashi-sensei just walked in,_

_Sasuke_

"The little bastard's as boring as he always was." Itachi hissed, crushing the feeble paper in his fist. He proceeded to the kitchen of their house, with the letter still crushed into one powerful fist. He seized the pot of coffee from the coffee maker and poured himself some into his Sonic The Hedgehog mug. With the coffee clutched in one hand, and the letter crumpled in the other, he took a seat at the wooden table in their kitchen. He sipped his coffee, still uttering statements about his incredibly foolish Sasuke's reply is. "Doesn't see the purpose? How foolish can he get?"

"Umm ... Itachi-san?"

Itachi turned, averting murderous eyes to his shark-like partner, who stood in the doorway connecting the kitchen to the hallway. "What?" He growled spitefully.

"Who's the letter from?" Kisame squeaked, in a definate 'I'm-just-curious-so-please-don't-kill-me' voice.

Itachi considered yelling at Kisame, then considered walking away without answering him, then ultimately wound up muttering a reply of.

"Just my stupid little brother."

"Sasuke? He wrote you?" Kisame asked, genuinely shocked.

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Because I wrote him first."

"Why?"

"Because."

"Because why?"

"Because I wanted to."

"Why did you want to?"

"Because ... because I _can_, all right?" Itachi spat, glaring at Kisame with the purest loathe.

"Woah, someone hasn't taken their happy pills yet today!"

Smack.

Crack.

Thump.

Kisame fell to the floor with a thump, as Itachi's slightly chipped mug leaked the remnants of his coffee onto Kisame's unconcious body. Itachi had swung the cup at him, hitting him in the head, knocking him out cold.

Itachi briefly regretted the violence with the loss of his beloved caffiene, and the small amount of damage done to his mug, before promptly setting the crushed ball of paper in his hand aflame, letting the ashes fall to the floor.

**TBC ...**

**Hey everybody! Was it an okay rewrite? It took me quite awhile to rewrite it, but I think I did an okay job! I'm working on the second one at this very moment, so hopefully it'll be up soon! ... if I don't get too caught up in Zelda, that is. :P**

**--IncestiveNekoYaoiBoysxx**


	2. Letters 3 and 4

**20 letters of Pain**

**This program brought to you by IncestiveNekoYaoiBoys**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. Just having some twisted fun.**

**Summary: This is a fic including 20 letters that Itachi and Sasuke have sent each other. 10 will be Itachi, 10 will be Sasuke. It'll be 10 chapters long. One chapter has a letter from each. Do you dig it? I know ... nodody digs anything anymore ... oh well.**

**Warning: This one has a little yaoi, which means guy-on-guy love, it's actually kinda cute. Sometimes in a brotherly way, sometimes in a wrong way. If you don't like dude-on-dude relationships, then run away, far away, 'cause I love 'em! Also, this chapter contains Itachi with a sick mind. You have been warned. And, hoorah, he gets portrayed as a crazy old pedophile! Yay for sexual predators!**

Sasuke woke up. Yes, that's right, avengers _do_, in fact, sleep, instead of spending their night plotting plans about how to kill a certain older sibling of theirs. Only, instead of counting sheep, they count dead Itachis to help them fall asleep.

Sasuke was interupted by what he thought was an annoying fangirl, but was actually Naruto.

"Sasuke! Sasuke! You got a letter from your brother!" Naruto exclaimed.

"How did you get my mail?" Sasuke asked him.

"Oh ... well I was bored so I followed the mailman. He put your mail outside your door and I looked through it for fun." he explained.

Sasuke whacked him across the head.

"Ow!What was that for?!" Naruto asked as he gingerly rubbed the spot Sasuke had hit.

"You don't go through people's mail, you dunce!" Sasuke scolded as he flopped in an armchair and ripped open his letter.

_Sasuke,_

_Hi._

_Get this straight:_

_#1: I never pedophiled your midget freind._

_#2: It's not my fault you have no sense of humour._

_#3: That Sakura girl sounds interesting ... do you happen to have her digits? (Kidding. See, I have a sense of humour.)_

_#4: Next time she asks you that, tell her, "He's so strong and so handsome ... I love him so much that I might consider letting him off the hook about the whole 'killing the entire clan' thing so he can come back to the village and help me reimberse the clan."(snickers)_

_#5: Weak, eh? ... Maybe I should prey on her ... (heh)_

_#6: My hair's about the same length. Maybe a little longer ... Why do you wanna know?_

_#7: Naruto ... you mean the Kyuubi brat. He probably does have ADHD._

_#8: Are you sure you don't enjoy your time with Naruto? Because, if you want to abandon the dream of reviving the clan, I can always take over._

_#9: The point of this letter is to entertain me with your opinion on life. My main form of entertainment is reading your diary that I ninjaed off you last week._

_#10: I know this is fun. I'm brilliant for thinking it up._

_Now to my issues to discuss._

_My major question is, I've been reading the manga, and what was with that kiss in volume one? Also, how come you heroically saved Naruto in volume 2? Why do you shoot down all the girls who like you? When you guys trained in the wave country, you know, the running up trees excercise, I think you enjoyed it when Naruto leaned on your shoulder for support when you both came in tired. All sweaty and panting ... I'll bet you savoured that moment in hopes that Naruto would appear like that again some day, but for completely different reasons, you creepy little pervert. Why did you save Naruto's life in volume 3? I guess you could say, my question is, would you happen to be gay with Naruto? Answer me, because then I'll have to be the one to reimberse the clan. The entire clan. Once you fail at killing me and die yourself, I'll move back into the village and you'll see a lot of little Itachis running around the village, if you know what I mean. It'll be a lot of hard work, but I think I might just manage._

_Man, I'm getting a kick out of this letter._

_Anyways, I gotta go assassinate some random guy who might have looked at Orochimaru this morning._

_Bye,_

_Itachi._

_PS: You like men. Admit it now. You. Are. GAY! My foolish, homosexual, little brother ... you even wrote about it in your diary._

Naruto looked at him with a questioning look as Sasuke's face contorted into a few different emotions (Yes, emotions! Sasuke actually _does_ have them!) as he read the letter. Especially the PS.

He stood up, a maniacal smirk on his face, as he walked over to his desk and began scribbling out words on a pad of paper. With a sigh of satisfaction, he turned on his laptop and began to type out his letter to his _dearest_ older brother, Naruto watching him all the way, confused as ever.

"I thought you hated Itachi?" Naruto asked his dark-haired rival.

"I do. I'm just trying to figure out what he's up to and why he wrote to me." Sasuke lied. Truly, he had been kind of relieved to hear from his brother.

Naruto snickered. "A likely story. You miss your _dear_ older brother." He sneered.

Sasuke looked up, sporting the trademark Uchiha glare. "I hate him."

"No you don't! You lo-ove him!" Naruto broke into a fit of high-pitched, queer-sounding giggles.

Sasuke belted him across the back of the head.

"Oh! If you didn't miss your brother, you wouldn't care what I said! You wouldn't argue! You wouldn't care! In fact, this is the first time I've ever seen you so worked up! You must really_ miss _him." Naruto cackled, pointing an accusing finger at Sasuke, who swatted it away angrily..

"Do you really want me to kick your ass?" Sasuke asked. "Maybe Itachi was right about you ..." He muttered, hopefully quiet enough for Naruto to _not _hear.

"Hah! You're talking about him now!" Naruto giggled.

Sasuke froze with the realization that he had said that loud enough for Naruto to hear.

"Am not!" He argued.

"_Sure_." Naruto said sarcastically. "And you're just the most honest ninja in existance."

"You better _believe_ I am, you dunce! You're probably astounded by the pure honest vibes that drift on and around me!"

"What is this? _The_ Uchiha Sasuke just made a joke?"

Sasuke ignored him and stomped out the door, only to be followed by the cackling blonde, who continued to crack jokes at him as he walked.

Sasuke trooped down to the mailbox in the main center of town, walking in his usual way, earning him some admiring glances from groups of ninja, the majority of them female. The only male being Orochimaru, who had disguised himself as a jounin of the village in order to track Sasuke's progress.

"You must sincerely miss him. I've never seen you willingly write to someone before. You must not be able to spell." Naruto sneered simply.

The vein on Sasuke's forehead expanded with irritation as Naruto cringed under his glare. Sasuke shoved his letter hastily in the mailbox, then stomped back to his house.

Naruto continued along behind him, until Sasuke rudely slammed the door in his face. Naruto fell down on Sasuke's front step, sighing.

"Must be that time of the month again." Naruto remarked with a grin.

-

"ITACHI-SAAAAAAAAN GET THE HEART BEFORE IT DISAPPEARS! GET ITTTTT! YOU'RE DOWN TO ONLY THREE QUARTERS OF A HEART!"

"I'm not going to get the heart, Kisame."

"GET IT! GET IT! GRRRREAT, ITACHI-SAN, IT DISAPPEARED! NOW WHAT'RE YOU GONNA DO?!"

"There's a Redead right there, Kisame. I'll just turn into a wolf and kill it, and I'll get like three hearts."

"THAT ISN'T A REDEAD ITACHI-SAAAAAAN! IT'S JUST A SKELETON THINGY!"

"Look at it, Kisame. It is a Redead. See, it just screamed at me."

"WELL SOOO WHAT?! THE SCREEN'S DARK AND I DIDN'T SEE IT RIGHT!"

"I'm seeing it from the same angle as you, Kisame. And I saw it fine."

"BUT YOU HAVE THE SHARINGAN!"

"..."

"I WIN!"

"No, actually, I do." Itachi replied, promptly slaying the Redead and collecting the hearts that flew out of it's rotting corpse.

"BUT YOU COULD HAVE GOTTEN THE HEART AND HAD EVEN MORE HEALTH!"

"Stop being a backseat gamer, Kisame. _I_ am playing, and _I_ will make the decisions, so shut up."

"DON'T BE SOOO MEAN, ITACHI-SAAAAN!"

"If you were half the Zelda player I am, you'd be out of Faron Woods, and into the Forest Temple, but you're not, so shut up."

"YOU'RE EVIL!"  
"I know."

Kisame said no more, crossing his arms and puting childishly. Itachi ignored him, proceeding to play Zelda until he had attained the Spinner, battled through the Arbiter's Grounds, and beaten the skeleton boss dude, collecting heart container and proceeding to Castle Town to talk to Telma.

He had just spoken to Auru, who sent him to Snowpeak, when he sensed chakra outside their house. He quickly saved the game, creeping to the door. Itachi peeked out through a window on the side of the house.

A mailman stood at the door, cautiously knocking on the door. Itachi smirked. This was a _new_ mailman. Any other mailman would've just tossed any mail at the door and high-tailed it as far away from the house as possibly. Ahh, how naive this mailman was.

Itachi crept outside, stealthily approaching the mailman from behind. The mailman took no notice. Itachi got close to the unknowing mailman, pressing his index finger into a spot on the innocent mailman's shoulder. The man's knees gave, and he fell to the ground, unconcious.

Kisame appeared at the door.

"Wow, Itachi-san, that took some serious skillage."

Itachi glared at Kisame. "If you same the word skillage ever, ever again, I shall see to it that you are painfully castrized. Am I clear?"

Kisame cringed. "But Itachi-san, I-"

"No, Kisame. Never. Again."

Kisame nodded sadly, turning around defeatedly and returning to inside the house. Itachi sorted through the mail, picked out his letter, and threw the remaining letters onto the unconcious body of the mailman. He would have killed him, but had nowhere to put the body.

Itachi wandered back in and leaned on a cupboard, tearing open the envelope and beginning to read the letter.

"Letter from Sasuke?" Kisame asked.

"Letter from Sasuke." He agreed.

_ITACHI!_

_I'M NOT GAY!EVEN IF I WAS GAY, I WOULDN'T BE GAY WITH NARUTO! YOU SICK BASTARD!_

_Now, never, ever have sick, perverted thoughts about any of my teamates ever, ever again._

_And, I would never give up my dream and I would never let you take over the dream and there will never be mini Itachis running through the village. They'll be mini Sasukes, dammit! Sasukes! HOW DARE YOU TAKE MY JOURNAL! IT'S NOT A DIARY! IT'S A JOURNAL! GET IT STRAIGHT, ANIKI!_

_And I didn't write about being gay in my journal!_

_I HATE YOU SOOO MUCH!_

_I NEVER KISSED NARUTO! SOME JACKASS STOOD UP BEHIND HIM AND KNOCKED HIM INTO ME!_

_What's wrong with heroically saving people?I've saved girls too, you know! I shoot down girls because they're freakin' annoying! I so didn't like Naruto leaning on my shoulder! He was all smelly and gross and sweaty ... ew. What would you have done, had you been in that situation, at that time? NO I AM NOT! I VOW TO, AND WILL SUCCEED IN KILLING YOU, ANIKI! I WILL! I AWAIT THE DAY!_

_Hating you,_

_Sasuke._

_PS: I HAAAAAATTTTTTTEEEE YYYYYYYOOOOOOOOOUUUUU SOOOOOOOOO MUUUUUCCCCCCCHHHH!_

"He's lying to himself ..."Itachi muttered inwardly.

With that line said, Kisame assumed Itachi was finished and stared at the letter expectantly.

"Lemme read it!" He demanded.

"No." Itachi stated without hesitation, not taking his blazing red eyes off the sheet of paper.

"But I wanna know what's up with your _cute_ little brother!" Kisame pleaded.

Itachi looked up quickly. "Never say that again or you'll enter the hell known as Tsukiyomi." Itachi threatened, eye twitching.

"Okay, okay." Kisame pouted, then remembered a point in time when Itachi had called Sasuke cute. "I thought you said he was cute too?"

"He is." Itachi replied. "Besides, Kisame, you haven't even seen him before."

"Why can't I call him cute?" Kisame asked sourly.

"You're 23." Itachi pointed out.

"You're 17." Kisame argued. "You're almost as bad. Plus, you're his brother, you twisted incestive pedophile."

"But, I think he's cute in a brotherly way. You think he's cute in a wrong, perverted way. And if you, of all people, call me a pedophile again, you'll wish you'd never sullied this earth." Itachi growled.

"Itachi-san! You're so mean!"

"Go die in a hole."

"Itachi-san!"

"Leave me to my letter."

"No! I wanna read it!"

"You're not going to read it, Kisame. I'm going to burn it after I read it again, just like I did the first one."

"..."

"There's a class of school children out in the woods on a field trip today, Kisame. Go show them the meaning of fear ... and I might help you with Zelda."

"Fine." Kisame huffed, reassured only by the promise of free food and the possibility of progress in Zelda.

"Freakin' pedophile ..." Itachi mumbled, whilst ignoring the high-pitched screaming from outdoors as reread the letter, burning it as he had done the first.

**TBC ...**

**Hey everyone! This is the reeditted chapter two! The Twilight Princess referance is a small celebration to me for recently conquering the entity known as the Arbiter's Grounds. And the absolutely _killed_ Ganondorf in this one. Xx Andways, sorry about my spelling, but I don't have spell check, and I don't really give a damn at this point. You all seem to be enjoying it enough, no matter how bad I apparently spell.**

**--IncestiveNekoYaoiBoysxx**


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